1st day of school.

Wow what a busy summer we have had..  We have had our youth pastor's Daughter with us the past few days and will have her for a few more and we had stayed busy.  3 is a lot different then 2 let me tell you.  These girls havent been bad it is just much more busy around our house these days.  

Today was the first day of school!  Last year Abby just went to school so I only had to wake up get her ready and then off to school.. I would always get Maddie dressed when we got back.  Today there where THREE kids to get ready.. I think we did pretty good!  

Not to bad! 

I wrote a blog to my girls about their first day of school here letters to my daughters if you would like to read it.

I can't help but have had the privilege to hug and kiss these three beautiful girls and send them off to school and think about all the Mommy's in Iraq that are fighting for their lives.  They are trying to survive and not be killed because they Love Jesus.  We are so blessed to live in a country that still has the freedom of religion.  I am so blessed to be able to boldly say I am a CHRISTIAN and not have my family killed horrible deaths right in front of my eyes.  I can't imagine the horror these babies and parents are going though as we speak!   

This isn't something people want to talk or think about because it isnt comfortable it isnt pretty to think about.  These news reports and pictures of beheaded children and parents crying over their lifeless body right before they themselves are killed is heartbreaking.  There was another picture with dozens of children's lifeless bodies with men around smiling and laughing.  What is happening is EVIL.  

Hug your kids a little tighter and say a prayer for the families who are being persecuted and killed for their faith.  Pray for the families wondering around in the dessert with no food or water just trying to escape and LIVE.  This is a travesty in our world today.  I truly wish there was more I could do for these precious people.  

The children being killed are not my children, but they are beautiful children all the same and are beautifully  and wonderful made  like these 3 beauties!

is it the heart or is it the tounge

Let the Words of my mouth and Meditation of my heart be good and acceptable in Your sight oh Lord my Strength and my redeemer.

How hard it is to control our tongue? Man it can be sooooo HARD.  I mean we are living in a world where people feel like they can say anything they want.  It is amazing to me how fast a hard situation can start simply because of words.  Our words come from out heart so is it any wonder that the heart and mouth are connected in this teaching.

When I really sit down and thing about it our problem isnt our mouth it is our heart.  It is a HEART issue.  Our words can give life or death in any situation.  If my words are constantly starting issues in multiple areas of my life I HAVE to look at my HEART and examine it.  What is in my heart that needs to be changed so that I can speak life in all situations.

My heart can lead me wrong but if I give my heart to the Lord and say change the things that need to be  changed then that makes a difference.  I have also come to find that I have to do this over and over.  I have to let the Lord examine my heart daily so that I can operate in Him.  I want to have the heart of the Lord so much.  I want to love like HE loves.  Instead of being annoyed and short I want to speak with compassion and gentleness.  I want His wisdom.  How can I have those things if I refuse to let Him change my heart.   When the Lord changes my heart it has to be evident in the words that come out of my mouth.

In the end my words are not the problem it is my heart.  I need to be more forgiving of others words and realize it is a heart issue and pray for them. Instead of responding to harsh words with more harshness I want to respond how the Lord would have me respond.  I want to represent Him.  I dont need to win every conversation.  Sometimes I just need to represent His patience.  Sometimes I just need to respond in love and kindness.  That will eventually put out all the fires.  Spraying more fire in a forest fire never did anyone any good.  It  just destroys families, homes, and anyone or anything it its path.

I am so thankful I have the Lord who can change my reactions and responses.  He can change my heart and help me be more like Him.  The more I seek Him the more I will find Him.  Lord be glorified in me and in my heart and words..

small voice

I wasn't going to share this, however, my husband shared this at church, so I decided I would as well. About a month ago I really felt like the Lord was urging me to go to the Skin Doctor and get a full body exam.  I decided to listen to that voice and made an appointment.  While I was there Dr. Heller found 2 spots of concern on my back.  He shaved parts off to biopsy.  

Eric instantly started googling the medicine I am on (to help with the MDS treatment).  He read that skin cancer is a very real side effect of the medicine I am taking.  While we were waiting for the results I discovered another spot during that time.  

Eric came with me as we got the results back from the 2 biopsy's.  Eric went into more detail the medicine I was on and the research he did on the drug.  Dr. Heller said the two spots he found were indeed pre cancer.  

Now with the knowledge of the common side effect I will be seen every month.  

The good news is I should only be on this medication for another month or so.  When I go off the medicine the risk of skin cancer goes back to normal.  

In a couple weeks the Dr is going to go back to those areas and basically cut them out.

I am so thankful to the Lord's still small voice that nudged me to get checked out.  He knows every detail of your body and soul.  Listen to HIS voice.  He will not lead you wrong.  Jesus is my savior. He is my best friend.  He cares about every detail.  He knows ALL things trust Him wherever He leads you!

I want to know His voice!

They heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. Gen 3:8

Lord Help me to never ever Hide from your presence.  Help me to seek after your presences! Help me to run after it, no matter the cost! I do not want to go somewhere you wont be.  Help me to know instantly when I grieve your spirit.  So I can immediately rectify my actions.  I want to run after you.  I want to be with you.

Adam and Eve heard your voice and knew instantly it was you.  They knew because they walked and talked with you for such a long time.  They did not hide because they didn’t recognize your voice. They hid because they were ashamed of their sin.  

I want to hear you talking as they did in the garden.  I want to know the sound of your voice as I know my loved ones voices here on earth.  I want to be in close relationship with you. 

 

One Year Ago...

One year ago I passed out going into Disney World.  I couldnt possibly have fathomed what this past year would entail.  We have had so many highs and lows since then.  However sitting in that ER one year ago waiting to be released from what I was sure was a fluke I couldnt have been more wrong.

I remember sitting in my ER room and having my husband by my side.  Having him there was comforting in itself.  How naive we were to what that next year would hold.  I remember us sitting in that room and now I think wow we were kids. This past year made us grown up a lot.

I am trying to think if I could tell myself some things in that moment to help prepare me for what was to come what would I say.  I am not sure what if anything would prepare me.

What could I say?  Everything you have ever been taught and everything you believe will be tested and shaken to the core.  So dramatic!  So true!  If I could have told myself I would never have believed it anyways.

Maybe something like...  Don't worry.. When no one has answers God holds all answers... no thats not it..  kinda doesnt hit the spot. you know?

I think I would just say "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will not fear for YOU are with me'.

Yep thats what I would say...

I am not sure if I have mentioned this verse or what it now means to me in my blog.  I am too lazy to go back and read them to find out.  So just go with it...

I can not tell you the amount of tears I have cried over the last year.  So much fear I have had over the last year about death.  Worried about being there for my husband, children, parents, and family..

I had so many fears I wrote about all that in a Blog earlier this year.  if you want you can go back and read it.. It is titled When we are Weak..

This blog isnt going to focus on specific fear.  Let's just say my fear was endless and I was swallowed whole in it.

I came to a point where I didnt want my fear to be in the drivers seat anymore.  My mind was the devils playground and I was tired of it.. I also didnt know how to fight it..  Jessica Bert told me start to your mind back.. She said at first it may be minute by minute.. Every time you have those worries and thoughts  Start to say what scripture says about this.. Start to thank the Lord your healing is on it's way. She said the minutes will turn into hours then days.. and then at some point your mind will be renewed.

She was so right!  So I started that process ... i dont know how long it took but it took some time... Because I was lucky to go a minute in the beginning.

I was thinking one day about scripture.  I have heard the Lord's prayer so much growing up.  As I got older any time I would come to that scripture I would skip it.. After all I read it a million times.. no joke o-n-e m-i-l-l-i-o-n times.  ok maybe not one million but you get the drift..

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil..

Do you remember as a child when you would walk outside when the sun was up.. You would see your shadow.. and sometimes you could make your shadow gigantic.

OK so this passage took on new meaning to me.. It took on new LIFE..  It was as if the Lord wrote that  scripture I had read one million times and then skipped over for years just for ME!!  My eyes were opened..

Shadow of death..  Death is just a shadow for those that know Jesus...  Death it looks scary   it sounds scary  everything about it is scary... BUT it is just a shadow!! Because I know Jesus and He first loved me!  We dont have to be scared of Death.. Even at (then) 31 years old. (now 32 for those counting) Even someone young and wanting to raise her family..
I will tell you why it is just a stupid shadow..

One because my Jesus can heal any infirmity that comes my way.. He can heal me up and made me new because by His stripes I am healed.  The Lord could have healed me supernaturally.  He chose to make me well through medicine.  I am thankful for his mercy and grace and healing power.  I dont count myself any less healed because it came though medicine.  I count myself blessed and Highly favored.

and number two.. Even if all this stops working tomorrow and I go home to be with the Lord.  guess what DEATH IS STILL A SHADOW.  When I close my eyes in this world I will open my eyes in the presence of Jesus.  When that day comes I will see Him face to face!! Death was not just a shadow for me it was a LIE... No one knows the day or time we will meet the Lord face to face.. I have to have faith that no matter the time He will take care of everyone I love here on earth.. I have to believe that the Word of God does not return void.. Just like that old tired over used (i thought) scripture about death and shadows.. I had new revelation in my time of need for it.. I have to believe the same is true for my family and children.

I am still praying and believing I will be on this earth for a long time to come.  I believe He isnt done with me yet..

This has made me want to see the Power of the Lord alive in His people.. Alive in His church..

I remember when i was growing up sometimes it was hard for me to go up to the alter at church for prayer.. What will people think.. They may think i am in deep dark sin if i keep going up.. Not any more.. I go up now at the drop of a hat.. Oh me me me pray for me.. Oh here i am here I am ..

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death i will fear no evil ...  the best part people.. We dont have to fear... because HE is with me!!

So you see even if I could have told myself something that verse would not have done anything for me.. Because you see I had heard it all before... However I hadnt lived it yet..

I am so blessed to have had the most amazing Husband, children, parents, inlaws, family(church and blood included) and friends ever!  Your prayer love and encouragement have helped me handle all of this..

Out of Brokenness Comes Wholeness

A couple of weeks ago my Dad preached a sermon titled the things I know now I wish I knew at 21.

One of those things he wished he had known when He was younger was Out of brokenness comes wholeness. I was thinking about this.  It is so true! How many times in our lives do we feel completely broken.  

This past year has been very difficult.  It has probably been the hardest year I have ever had to face in my 32 years of life.  If you dont know about this past year you can read about it here if you like When we are weak He is strong.  There is also a continuation here Treatment.  

This past year when I was sick we had no idea early on what was wrong with me.  We had no idea why I was sick we just knew I was sick.  When we dont have answers that can be terrifying.  Later on we got to know some possibilities of what was wrong me me.  AGAIN TERRIFYING.  Finally with the Lords help and some awesome family members that did everything they could do to find answers WE HAD AN ANSWER.  AGAIN STILL TERRIFYING.  

This whole process broke me to the core.  I felt like I was shattered into a million little pieces.  I had a problem for a while giving my fears to the Lord.  I held on to my fear.  I was swallowed whole with my fear.  I was fearful of the future.  I was fearful of the present because I was physically not able to do the things for my family that they needed.  

I WAS BROKEN.

I kept my faith in the Lord.  I loved the Lord.  I kept going in Him even when I didnt feel like it.  He was all I had keeping me going.  Slowly in that process piece by piece He put all my broken pieces back together.  

This was like a refiners fire process.  The Lord used the trial I was going through to Purify me.  He took all may itty bitty brokenness and made it into something beautiful.  I have faith in the Lord like never before.  I give my fears to the Lord like never before.  I depend on Him for everything.  This process has brought me closer to the Lord.  I know the Lord in a way I would never have known Him had I not gone through this process.  

I do not believe the Lord did this.  However I know He used it and made it for my GOOD.  

No matter where you are in the process.  You may be sitting by your pieces crying because you think there is no way you can be whole again.  Cry out to the Lord tell Him everything.  (he knows it all anyways)  Trust in HIM  He will put you back together.  He will put you back stronger then you were before.  One day you will look at yourself and say oh wow I am WHOLE.  Jesus You DO MAKE BEAUTIFUL THINGS OUT OF DUST!

So, was what we went through hard and painful and ugly!?  YES it was all of those things..  However, it was also wonderful priceless and beautiful!!   I wouldnt trade where it has taken me for anything.  

I know some people think we (christians) just use God as a  crutch.  In a way they are right.  However it is biblical.  WHEN WE ARE WEAK HE IS STRONG! That is how after we go through the things life brings we are stronger.  If we go through it right and lean on Him we will be stronger then ever! I love the Lord now more then ever.  I love my husband, kids and family more then ever.  Did I lean on the Lord to get me through it? YES and I am so thankful I did!  He has taken my broken ugliness and made me WHOLE.  

I have gone 4 months without a Blood transfusion!  My blood count was 12.2 last week 12.2!!! I am officially normal.  I truly never knew if i would ever see that day.  

I am still going through treatment.  Work or not.  Live or Die.  HE HOLDS MY FUTURE.  He has been and will be there no matter what I face.  No one knows the time they will live or die.  I do know that every step I take I want it with the Lord and when I take my last breath I want it in Him.  Whenever that is.  

I am so thankful I am now healthy and well!  I am so thankful for more time!  I love my Father Jesus.  He has helped us through so much!  He has helped make my brokenness wholeness.  He will help no matter what comes our way.  I have the Lord and my family and my church on my side.  Yes I was broken.  Now I am whole.  It isnt the getting better (physically) part that made me whole.  I am whole regardless of circumstances, because He has made me whole.

I am sure there will be other times in my life I feel broken.  He that began the good work in you is faithful to completion.  

OUT OF BROKENNESS COMES WHOLENESS!!!

Mommy is Here..

Our daughter Maddie has been going through a scared stage.  She gets scared of the sounds she hears outside (while in our home).  She get's scared of an invisible Dragon that she and abby are constantly running from.  She was scared to death of Churck e Cheese last night.

The fear is very real to Maddie.  Every time she gets scared she looks at me and says Mommy I scared.  I look back at her and say it is ok Mommy is here and there is nothing to be scared of.  I hug her and kiss.  I reassure her.  Maddie will sit in my arms cuddled up sometimes for a few mins.  She will eventually believe me and then she will get up and run around again.

I was thinking about how this situation can mirror things in my own life with the Lord.  There are times in our lives that we get scared of everything that is going on around us and to us.  We may be in the middle of some pretty big storms.  Our heavenly Father looks into our eyes and sees the fear in them.  He sees the tears coming to your eyes.  He hears our heart cry "Father help me!".  I am HIS child and my fear moves him to swift action. 

If we read in our bibles we see he says Not to fear! He tells us if HE is for us who can be against us.  Even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.  WHY?! Because HE is there.  When I think about it in this verse we are scared of the shadow of death.  Shadows are so much bigger then what truly is.  If we are Chrstians death is a lie anyways.  Even though the fear that we are feeling is so real to us the Lord (our daddy) has this (whatever we are going through).  He has everything taken care of we just have to believe when he says Dont worry dont be scare Daddy is here. 

Just like my daughter with me!  I know the fear she feels is real to her and the sound of someone hammering outside is scary! It is just like the shadows we are scared of. 

This has been a hard 8 months for me and my family.  There have been times I was so scared I coudlnt hardly move.  There have been times I look at my situation and the shadow was so big I wanted to just hide and not deal with reality.  No matter what you are going though we have to remind ourselves of the parts in the Bible that says do not fear.  We have to remind ourselves who we are in Christ.  When we truly understand nothing will scare us because we know our Father in heaven has our everything taken care of.  I have to trust Him!

I am so thankful that when I forget and get scared my Lord pulls me in his lap and says Dont be scared I love you and you are my child and there is nothing to fear.  He knows that what we see with our eyes scares us, but He sees the full picture. HE works everything to our good and to Him be the glory.

Whatever you are facing in your life that scares you.. Remember who's child you are.  Remember we have nothing to fear and we have to get out of that mind set.  Remember to be as a child and crawl up into His lap and let him reassure you.  Then WALK  in the security of your Father and be FEARLESS!