I want to know His voice!

They heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. Gen 3:8

Lord Help me to never ever Hide from your presence.  Help me to seek after your presences! Help me to run after it, no matter the cost! I do not want to go somewhere you wont be.  Help me to know instantly when I grieve your spirit.  So I can immediately rectify my actions.  I want to run after you.  I want to be with you.

Adam and Eve heard your voice and knew instantly it was you.  They knew because they walked and talked with you for such a long time.  They did not hide because they didn’t recognize your voice. They hid because they were ashamed of their sin.  

I want to hear you talking as they did in the garden.  I want to know the sound of your voice as I know my loved ones voices here on earth.  I want to be in close relationship with you. 

 

One Year Ago...

One year ago I passed out going into Disney World.  I couldnt possibly have fathomed what this past year would entail.  We have had so many highs and lows since then.  However sitting in that ER one year ago waiting to be released from what I was sure was a fluke I couldnt have been more wrong.

I remember sitting in my ER room and having my husband by my side.  Having him there was comforting in itself.  How naive we were to what that next year would hold.  I remember us sitting in that room and now I think wow we were kids. This past year made us grown up a lot.

I am trying to think if I could tell myself some things in that moment to help prepare me for what was to come what would I say.  I am not sure what if anything would prepare me.

What could I say?  Everything you have ever been taught and everything you believe will be tested and shaken to the core.  So dramatic!  So true!  If I could have told myself I would never have believed it anyways.

Maybe something like...  Don't worry.. When no one has answers God holds all answers... no thats not it..  kinda doesnt hit the spot. you know?

I think I would just say "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will not fear for YOU are with me'.

Yep thats what I would say...

I am not sure if I have mentioned this verse or what it now means to me in my blog.  I am too lazy to go back and read them to find out.  So just go with it...

I can not tell you the amount of tears I have cried over the last year.  So much fear I have had over the last year about death.  Worried about being there for my husband, children, parents, and family..

I had so many fears I wrote about all that in a Blog earlier this year.  if you want you can go back and read it.. It is titled When we are Weak..

This blog isnt going to focus on specific fear.  Let's just say my fear was endless and I was swallowed whole in it.

I came to a point where I didnt want my fear to be in the drivers seat anymore.  My mind was the devils playground and I was tired of it.. I also didnt know how to fight it..  Jessica Bert told me start to your mind back.. She said at first it may be minute by minute.. Every time you have those worries and thoughts  Start to say what scripture says about this.. Start to thank the Lord your healing is on it's way. She said the minutes will turn into hours then days.. and then at some point your mind will be renewed.

She was so right!  So I started that process ... i dont know how long it took but it took some time... Because I was lucky to go a minute in the beginning.

I was thinking one day about scripture.  I have heard the Lord's prayer so much growing up.  As I got older any time I would come to that scripture I would skip it.. After all I read it a million times.. no joke o-n-e m-i-l-l-i-o-n times.  ok maybe not one million but you get the drift..

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil..

Do you remember as a child when you would walk outside when the sun was up.. You would see your shadow.. and sometimes you could make your shadow gigantic.

OK so this passage took on new meaning to me.. It took on new LIFE..  It was as if the Lord wrote that  scripture I had read one million times and then skipped over for years just for ME!!  My eyes were opened..

Shadow of death..  Death is just a shadow for those that know Jesus...  Death it looks scary   it sounds scary  everything about it is scary... BUT it is just a shadow!! Because I know Jesus and He first loved me!  We dont have to be scared of Death.. Even at (then) 31 years old. (now 32 for those counting) Even someone young and wanting to raise her family..
I will tell you why it is just a stupid shadow..

One because my Jesus can heal any infirmity that comes my way.. He can heal me up and made me new because by His stripes I am healed.  The Lord could have healed me supernaturally.  He chose to make me well through medicine.  I am thankful for his mercy and grace and healing power.  I dont count myself any less healed because it came though medicine.  I count myself blessed and Highly favored.

and number two.. Even if all this stops working tomorrow and I go home to be with the Lord.  guess what DEATH IS STILL A SHADOW.  When I close my eyes in this world I will open my eyes in the presence of Jesus.  When that day comes I will see Him face to face!! Death was not just a shadow for me it was a LIE... No one knows the day or time we will meet the Lord face to face.. I have to have faith that no matter the time He will take care of everyone I love here on earth.. I have to believe that the Word of God does not return void.. Just like that old tired over used (i thought) scripture about death and shadows.. I had new revelation in my time of need for it.. I have to believe the same is true for my family and children.

I am still praying and believing I will be on this earth for a long time to come.  I believe He isnt done with me yet..

This has made me want to see the Power of the Lord alive in His people.. Alive in His church..

I remember when i was growing up sometimes it was hard for me to go up to the alter at church for prayer.. What will people think.. They may think i am in deep dark sin if i keep going up.. Not any more.. I go up now at the drop of a hat.. Oh me me me pray for me.. Oh here i am here I am ..

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death i will fear no evil ...  the best part people.. We dont have to fear... because HE is with me!!

So you see even if I could have told myself something that verse would not have done anything for me.. Because you see I had heard it all before... However I hadnt lived it yet..

I am so blessed to have had the most amazing Husband, children, parents, inlaws, family(church and blood included) and friends ever!  Your prayer love and encouragement have helped me handle all of this..

Out of Brokenness Comes Wholeness

A couple of weeks ago my Dad preached a sermon titled the things I know now I wish I knew at 21.

One of those things he wished he had known when He was younger was Out of brokenness comes wholeness. I was thinking about this.  It is so true! How many times in our lives do we feel completely broken.  

This past year has been very difficult.  It has probably been the hardest year I have ever had to face in my 32 years of life.  If you dont know about this past year you can read about it here if you like When we are weak He is strong.  There is also a continuation here Treatment.  

This past year when I was sick we had no idea early on what was wrong with me.  We had no idea why I was sick we just knew I was sick.  When we dont have answers that can be terrifying.  Later on we got to know some possibilities of what was wrong me me.  AGAIN TERRIFYING.  Finally with the Lords help and some awesome family members that did everything they could do to find answers WE HAD AN ANSWER.  AGAIN STILL TERRIFYING.  

This whole process broke me to the core.  I felt like I was shattered into a million little pieces.  I had a problem for a while giving my fears to the Lord.  I held on to my fear.  I was swallowed whole with my fear.  I was fearful of the future.  I was fearful of the present because I was physically not able to do the things for my family that they needed.  

I WAS BROKEN.

I kept my faith in the Lord.  I loved the Lord.  I kept going in Him even when I didnt feel like it.  He was all I had keeping me going.  Slowly in that process piece by piece He put all my broken pieces back together.  

This was like a refiners fire process.  The Lord used the trial I was going through to Purify me.  He took all may itty bitty brokenness and made it into something beautiful.  I have faith in the Lord like never before.  I give my fears to the Lord like never before.  I depend on Him for everything.  This process has brought me closer to the Lord.  I know the Lord in a way I would never have known Him had I not gone through this process.  

I do not believe the Lord did this.  However I know He used it and made it for my GOOD.  

No matter where you are in the process.  You may be sitting by your pieces crying because you think there is no way you can be whole again.  Cry out to the Lord tell Him everything.  (he knows it all anyways)  Trust in HIM  He will put you back together.  He will put you back stronger then you were before.  One day you will look at yourself and say oh wow I am WHOLE.  Jesus You DO MAKE BEAUTIFUL THINGS OUT OF DUST!

So, was what we went through hard and painful and ugly!?  YES it was all of those things..  However, it was also wonderful priceless and beautiful!!   I wouldnt trade where it has taken me for anything.  

I know some people think we (christians) just use God as a  crutch.  In a way they are right.  However it is biblical.  WHEN WE ARE WEAK HE IS STRONG! That is how after we go through the things life brings we are stronger.  If we go through it right and lean on Him we will be stronger then ever! I love the Lord now more then ever.  I love my husband, kids and family more then ever.  Did I lean on the Lord to get me through it? YES and I am so thankful I did!  He has taken my broken ugliness and made me WHOLE.  

I have gone 4 months without a Blood transfusion!  My blood count was 12.2 last week 12.2!!! I am officially normal.  I truly never knew if i would ever see that day.  

I am still going through treatment.  Work or not.  Live or Die.  HE HOLDS MY FUTURE.  He has been and will be there no matter what I face.  No one knows the time they will live or die.  I do know that every step I take I want it with the Lord and when I take my last breath I want it in Him.  Whenever that is.  

I am so thankful I am now healthy and well!  I am so thankful for more time!  I love my Father Jesus.  He has helped us through so much!  He has helped make my brokenness wholeness.  He will help no matter what comes our way.  I have the Lord and my family and my church on my side.  Yes I was broken.  Now I am whole.  It isnt the getting better (physically) part that made me whole.  I am whole regardless of circumstances, because He has made me whole.

I am sure there will be other times in my life I feel broken.  He that began the good work in you is faithful to completion.  

OUT OF BROKENNESS COMES WHOLENESS!!!

Mommy is Here..

Our daughter Maddie has been going through a scared stage.  She gets scared of the sounds she hears outside (while in our home).  She get's scared of an invisible Dragon that she and abby are constantly running from.  She was scared to death of Churck e Cheese last night.

The fear is very real to Maddie.  Every time she gets scared she looks at me and says Mommy I scared.  I look back at her and say it is ok Mommy is here and there is nothing to be scared of.  I hug her and kiss.  I reassure her.  Maddie will sit in my arms cuddled up sometimes for a few mins.  She will eventually believe me and then she will get up and run around again.

I was thinking about how this situation can mirror things in my own life with the Lord.  There are times in our lives that we get scared of everything that is going on around us and to us.  We may be in the middle of some pretty big storms.  Our heavenly Father looks into our eyes and sees the fear in them.  He sees the tears coming to your eyes.  He hears our heart cry "Father help me!".  I am HIS child and my fear moves him to swift action. 

If we read in our bibles we see he says Not to fear! He tells us if HE is for us who can be against us.  Even when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil.  WHY?! Because HE is there.  When I think about it in this verse we are scared of the shadow of death.  Shadows are so much bigger then what truly is.  If we are Chrstians death is a lie anyways.  Even though the fear that we are feeling is so real to us the Lord (our daddy) has this (whatever we are going through).  He has everything taken care of we just have to believe when he says Dont worry dont be scare Daddy is here. 

Just like my daughter with me!  I know the fear she feels is real to her and the sound of someone hammering outside is scary! It is just like the shadows we are scared of. 

This has been a hard 8 months for me and my family.  There have been times I was so scared I coudlnt hardly move.  There have been times I look at my situation and the shadow was so big I wanted to just hide and not deal with reality.  No matter what you are going though we have to remind ourselves of the parts in the Bible that says do not fear.  We have to remind ourselves who we are in Christ.  When we truly understand nothing will scare us because we know our Father in heaven has our everything taken care of.  I have to trust Him!

I am so thankful that when I forget and get scared my Lord pulls me in his lap and says Dont be scared I love you and you are my child and there is nothing to fear.  He knows that what we see with our eyes scares us, but He sees the full picture. HE works everything to our good and to Him be the glory.

Whatever you are facing in your life that scares you.. Remember who's child you are.  Remember we have nothing to fear and we have to get out of that mind set.  Remember to be as a child and crawl up into His lap and let him reassure you.  Then WALK  in the security of your Father and be FEARLESS!

Hold on

PS 69-13
¹ Save me, O God,
    for the waters have come up to my neck.
² I sink in the miry depths,
    where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
    the floods engulf me.
³ I am worn out calling for help;
    my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
    looking for my God.

Psalm is a very special book in the bible..  It is like a diary.  It is honest.  It has emotion.  It is like the reality tv show of the Bible.

This book is so honest with the Lord.  I am not sure why we many times feel we have to hide our emotions and fears from the Lord.  He is our Father and He wants us to be honest with him about what we feel and think.  

The verses above sound like pretty horrible circumstances.  It sounds like he felt he was going to die.  He has been screaming and crying for help.  He keeps searching for the Lord but can not see Him.

I know I have been there in life.  

You feel like you are going to suffocate under the pressure of a current situation.  

Sometimes our eyes FAIL us..  We look and look and look for the Lord and can not see Him.  

However as Christ followers we can not always go one what we SEE or FEEL.  This is why knowing the word is so important, because when our our eyes fail us we go based on what we KNOW.  

I love after you get "through" something. Then you can turn around and look and see how the Lord was right there the whole time guiding you and standing with you.  So many people give up and dont try and make it through.  They never really see the Lord finish what He started because as humans we give up right before the Promise is fulfilled. 

We have to train ourselves to focus on Him through all of life's circumstances.  We also have to talk to him through all of our emotions.. He can handle it!   

Lord help my focus be on you and what is true throughout anything that comes my way.  Tune my ears to hear your voice the loudest and not my fear.

Valentines Day...

I would like to start off my talking about one particular Valentines day I gave my husband a hard time..  

You see we have birthdays and christmas and our anniversary so close together we don't do much for V day.  However (I think it was our second married Vday together) Eric was asking what I wanted for Vday.  I said just send me flowers.  I really want flowers.  He said ok... Well V day came and no flowers.. I was so upset and gave him a hard time.  He even went to the store and got steak and lobster to make dinner but I was stuck on the fact he didnt bring me flowers... He went back to the store and got me flowers.. He tried to make it better... I remember really giving him a hard time..

Well I didnt tell you this story to get onto Eric.. I am telling you this because it all seems soo silly to me now.  I am  married to a wonderful man.  He loves me so much and would do anything for me.  As you all know this past year has been difficult for us (my health).  Eric has been there for me every step of the way.. He has held me and walked through this fire with me.  When he said in sickness and health he wasnt kidding.  

So yes it is Valentines day and he now knows to get me flowers on Vday.  It isnt about today.  He shows me all the time how much he loves me and how much he is committed to me.  I am so blessed to have a husband that loves me everyday not just valentines day.. 

I would like to say I am so sorry for giving you a hard time that one Vday a few years ago.. You honor and love me every day.  I would rather what we have then all the flowers there are on Vday.

I love you! I am so blessed by you!

Abby, Maddie and I love our flowers!

Treatment...

I wanted to post a blog update on how my treatment went.   If you are wondering what I had treatment for please refer to this blog when we are weak He is strong.  That will bring you up to speed.

I went in for treatment for MDS on Feb 5th.  I was in the hospital at Moffitt for daily doses of Horse serum.  This treatment was referred to as chemo several times during my stay.  However it isnt as bad a chemo it is just in the same family.  

Eric and I went to Moffitt on the 5th.  They took my labs first thing to make sure i was healthy enough for the treatment.  My Hemoglobin was 11.6 and my platelets were normal.. We don't even know the last time my labs looked so good!  I then went and got a picc line and later that night admitted to the hospital to start my test dose of horse serum (ATG).  

This treatment can have some HORRIBLE side effects.  The doctors told me I would have bad chill,s  joint ache, fever, and hives.  They said a lot of people can not have this treatment without being sedated most of the time.  

I took my test dose and had no reaction.  They also give lots of steroids with this treatment.  

On Feb 6th they began the first full dose of the treatment. It took 4 hours to infuse me.  A few hours in some doctors came to see me and said well you are doing well, but you will be really sick later tonight.  After the third hour of the treatment, Eric and I were wondering if I will have any side effects.  I began to get hives, and they gave me meds for that.  I had hives on and off for 3 or so days.   I NEVER got any of the bad side effects.  No flu sickness.  What a huge miracle.  My doctors and nurses were amazed..

I completed the treatment with flying colors.  My hemoglobin levels when I left moffitt on Saturday were 10.3.  I just had them taken again on Monday and they were 11.5.   They went up on their own...

God is so good, and He is so faithful.  We still dont know if the treatment worked and wont know for 6 months.  However everything is looking great.

I am on sooo much medication.  I am on steroids, immunosuppresive drugs, insulin, and a few more.

I am starving all the time.. my arms hurt a bit from some meds.. However I am blessed and highly favored.  I feel great.  

I have had so many people praying for me!  I can not begin to thank everyone!  Please know I feel your love and am so appreciative of you helping me carry my burden and make it yours.  The body of Christ is an army and I am in awe of the people of God.  I have felt like I have been in a bubble during most of this journey so far.  I know that is because of all of you praying for me.. Please DONT stop!  I still need it!  

My family is my heart and I could not have made it through this without their Love support prayers and just taking care of everything.  I have the best family in the world.

Abby turned 5 during all this... I can not believe she is 5... She seems so much older since she turned 5.. I cant describe it.. 

It is so good to be home and with my family...

When we are weak HE is Strong!

I know I have kinda put my devotional blog on the back burner.  I have had some life things get on the front burner.  So many people are asking about my health, and what is going on that I have decided to write a blog so that people can understand.  It is a long story! So go grab a snack and a drink and maybe a tissue or two.

On September 7, 2012 we were taking our youth group to Night of Joy.  We were on the fairy going over to the park around 6 o'clock and i started to feel like I was going to pass out.  Well I did pass out.  I took a trip in an ambulance and to the ER I went.  I was sent home as they could not find anything wrong with me.. I kinda thought it happened because I hadn't eaten since breakfast.

For the next several weeks every two to three days, I would feel like I was going to pass out and I would start to black out.  I was thinking this really isn't normal (obviously).  So I made an appointment with my primary care doctor., and asked him if I was anemic.  He said my finger nails had to much color and I was fine.

I went on like this for a while like this, and then one day I had a horrible headache for about 7 days.  I went to the ER again, and they gave me meds for the migraine. However, they did not know why i was passing out.

My father-in-law (Rand)  that lives in Tampa sent me to see a neurologist for the headaches.  She ran some lab work, and found out that I was severely anemic.  Rand called me and said well you are my patient now.  (he is a hematologist Oncologist in tampa).

The search started to see why I was so anemic.

Some test results pointed to me being B-12 deficient.  So I started getting shots for that.  The shots weren't working, so at one point words like leukemia were being put out there.  Thank the Lord that I do not have leukemia.

I have been getting blood transfusions every 2 to 3 weeks since October.

So on went the search of what was wrong with me.  It was a couple weeks before Christmas and Rand told me he thought I may have MDS.  He set me up with the President and CEO of Moffitt whose specialty is MDS.  (thank the Lord for him and his connections)  I am told this Dr is like number one in the country for treating MDS.  Rand got me an appointment the day after Christmas.

Eric, Rand and I went to see this Doctor, and I was given another bone marrow test (i have had two) to confirm what I have is MDS.  The three of us went back on last Wednesday to get the results.  He confirmed that I do indeed have MDS.  There are several types of MDS.  There is a really bad kind where it kills you with in two years or so.  I DO NOT have that kind. Praise the Lord.  They believe I have an autoimmune form.  The treatment for that is to be injected with horse antibody serum for 5 days in the hospital.  Then I will be on some steroids and immuno supressants for a time.  They wont know for 6 months if it worked or not. However if it works it will put the MDS into remission.  If it does not work I will need a bone marrow transplant.  We have the treatment scheduled and all my doctors believe I should respond to the treatment.

I have had so many people ask me how I am doing through out this whole ordeal.  I have to say there have been days I was scared to death.  I was not scared because I am afraid of death.  I am not afraid. I KNOW where I will go when I leave this earth.  I will see my Jesus face to face.  I was just scared because I want to raise my children. I want to grow old with my husband.  So for a time in this process my mind was always going to the scared zone.

I decided early on I could not live that way.  I had to get my strength from the Lord.  I could not get the strength from within myself.  Strength when it is through HIM is so powerful.  I am not saying I didnt have bad days.  BECAUSE I DID..
I had 3 really bad days.  On one of those days i was down and teary and a lady at our church Jessica Bert gave me a pep talk and reminded me who I am in the Lord and not to be afraid.
On another bad day Eric came home from work and held me and let me cry and prayed with me.  He helped pray me into my peace.  After then i felt like I was in a bubble.. I felt like I wasnt scared and nothing could shake me.. Then a few weeks later I started googling things and well I lost my peace.  I was crying and I called Eric however I was unable to get ahold of him.

So my next call was to my mom.  Actually I texted her. I was crying so hard that I could not call.  My mom and my dad came over and prayed for me.  They cried with me. My mom just held me like a mother holds their babies no matter the age.  They prayed over me for a long time, and then after that I have had peace again. I have kept that peace so far ever sense.    I have also decided I will not google anything else.

The Lord has been my rock through this whole thing.  He has been my strength when I am weak. I am still weak!! However because of him, I feel the strongest I have ever felt.  I know that He is with me walking me through this fire.  He won't leave me now.

I know what the facts are. The facts are I have MDS.  However the truth is my God is greater then the facts.  He holds my future in His hands.  He has come to give me a hope and a FUTURE! He has come to give life more abundantly.

I know this journey is not over, and that is OK.  I also know that if God is for us who or what can stand  against us?

I am so blessed!! I have an amazing husband who loves me.  He prays for me constantly.  My husband would do anything, and take me anywhere to get treatment.  He entourages me and reassures me.  He gives me security.  AND HEALTH INSURANCE :)

I have children that help me live in the moment and enjoy life and make me laugh or smile when i really need it!

I have parents that pray for me constantly.  They will and are doing anything and everything to help me.  With this condition I am weak and tired a lot of the time.  My mom is working from my house more so that she can take care of Maddie and Abby when I have no energy for it.  She cleans my house and takes care of things.

I have incredible in-laws here in Tampa.  Rand has taken care of making sure my medical  problems are being taken care of.  Karen hired  a nanny for me for a time so I could get some rest.  They pray for me, and let us know they are there and will do whatever they have to.  They have treated me not as a daughter-in-law through this process but as a daughter.

I have in-laws in Texas that call and check on me and pray for us constantly. Prayer is so important and I thank you!  Without prayer I don't want to know where I would be.

My cousin Jen and Aunt Pam,  Andrew, Jodie and Grandma Judy are always checking on me and praying for me.

Ellen is always helping and encouraging me.  She helps with my kids and loves them like her own.

Shakira helped with my kids while she was home from college and let me rest.

Kendra is always praying for me always, and  offered me her bone marrow if I need it.  She's also helping me with a small group I run at church.

I have had so many people at church offer me their bone marrow if I needed it.  You are all so kinda and I love you. My church family has been so awesome praying for me without ceasing.   I think with them all combined I have been put on every prayer list in the country.  The Body of Christ awes me.

I do not know why all this is happening. However I do know that the LORD WILL put this together for MY GOOD.. I know He is FAITHFUL!! I know He loves me! I know HE will NEVER leave me, nor forsake me!  I know I have His favor.  I know I am blessed.  I know He will walk with me throughout this journey.  I know that when I am WEAK He is STRONG.  I know that there is JOY in Him strength.  I know there is PEACE that passes ALL understanding in HIS strength.

I have also found that just because I have had some scared times that doesn't mean that I am faithless. It doesn't meant that i do not trust in the Lord.  It means I am understanding the gravity of the situation to make his peace all that more special and priceless.  I know that the Lord is my healer.  I don't know if He will heal me supernaturally or through the wonderful medicines that He has helped guide some incredible people to find.  Either way HE IS MY HEALER.  HE WILL SEE ME THROUGH!

No matter what you are going through LET HIM BE YOUR STRENGTH!

I am Blessed!